Pour Your Heart Out

Do you ever just get really tired? Tired of pretending that everything is going great? Tired of ignoring problems and thinking that will make them go away? Tired of being the strong one? I sure do, and I'm tired right now. Of all of these things.

To fill you in, my parents separated in October of last year and their divorce was final in January. When they gave me the news I was hysterical. I couldn't believe that this was happening to my family. We've always been the picture-perfect family from the outside. Sure, my parents fought, but they did it behind closed doors. Everyone fights and I never thought it was a big deal. I'm not exaggerating when I say that people who learn of the divorce for the first time are floored. They can't believe that my parents, of all people, would break up. No one is immune, obviously.

I really only have one friend that I can talk to about this stuff, because she's the only one who understands. She's been there and she's got a good head on her shoulders. She can also tell me when I'm wrong or tell me the things I don't want to hear. I actually showed up at her house one day during lunch, unexpectedly, in the pouring rain, having a good cry, and she immediately invited me in, offered grilled cheese and chocolate, and put me back together again. Now that's a good friend. I don't think she'll ever know what she's done for me. She and my husband were the only ones who got me through at the beginning. The hubs tries so hard, bless him, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through. Plus he wants to fix it rather than just listen, because he loves me so much. Sometimes I just need a listening ear and some good advice.

It has come to the stage in the divorce that my parents are dating again and I have to say that I don't think they're making the wisest choices. Does anyone? I don't know. Dad's with someone who no one approves of and who no one will accept for lots of reasons, which is hard. It's got my family in complete turmoil. He won't listen to anyone and is doing the whole "rebellious, angst-ridden teenager" thing right now, IMO. He really can't even be talked to at this point. I guess we'll just have to wait him out.

We watched "It's Complicated" last night and there's a scene where the divorced parents and the kids are eating a nice meal for a graduation celebration. It's just them and the kids, no significant others, etc. Anyway, the kids say how it's been the best day because for one day it was just them again, "the original 5". That just really got me, too, because I know I'll never have that again and it feels so tragic. I know this is a broken world because of sin and that no one is immune, but I've found this divorce to be so hard to accept since I literally grew up with my parents together. I always felt so sorry for my half-sister and half-brother {who I don't call that, but will for clarification here} because I saw what their parents divorce {our dad and their mom} did to them. It was always a struggle. But I thank God that they are also there for me now, getting me through, making me stronger, and letting me know I'm not alone.

I know they say time heals all wounds, and I believe that to be true, but I'm afraid I'll always have this sadness lurking in the far corners of my heart.